So I'm posting a lot of blogs this week-

I guess there's just lots on my mind and I haven't found a better way to process things yet- but hey... blogging is good right? It's funny though, when I think about the vastly different array of people that read my blogs... it sometimes makes me a little cautious... not in a bad way- just that, I dunno... it makes me cautious. Anyways-----

Well, first week of classes, this often brings out some sort of crazy feelings from college students. I suppose we could say I am no different. It's funny though, because I don't really feel like I belong in the college realm any more- I don't like the thought of procrastinating, I'm feeling tired all the time *and I go to bed early!* and I just feel like I don't belong here. I know this is common and ordinary for us seniors who spent first semester on PRIME... it's how we all feel, every year the PRIMErs say the same things. So- okay I'm not alone in feeling this way-- somehow, it's really not helping. Another funny thing is - as I was looking through some job openings online, thinking about the future, I just kept feeling and thinking- I couldn't handle that job, or I don't have the right training for that! I would need help, at least for the first while. Then I thought, how does anyone just go and work some where, surely it's gotta be terrifying, to feel so incompetent all the time... not sure how to do things, how do you create programs that actually help people.

So- as I read what I just wrote... the thoughts I've been fighting all day- wow. Satan has such a good way at getting to some of our deepest fears and bringing them to the top of the kettle and watching it, hoping we boil over. I know something big is coming up soon in my life because Satan has been attacking many different little areas of my life this week. He's attacked my confidence, my self-esteem, my somewhat physical endurance, I've allowed all these things to tear at my trust, my faith that God actually works through my weaknesses. Can you believe that?! God actually works THROUGH our WEAKNESSES. Ponder this for a while, its late and I'm tired.

Live for HIS glory.

Interesting thoughts

So, well, tonight there was chapel, it began with musical worship... I think it was 3 songs... I remember thinking as soon as they started - because of the song they were playing- how excited I was because it was a song that would have been played at Green Pastures. About the first couple lines in, however, all that excitement dropped because I realized that the community is entirely different. I love Huntington's community, I have grown a lot over my last four years hear, because of the professors, fellow students, and other things that are present here at the university. I've found, though, that I've got nothing here compared to the community I witnessed and experienced in Northern Ireland. I understand that a lot of my feelings are based from my current re-adjusting to my 'home' culture... it's understandably hard after growing and learning so much in this other culture...

What has shocked me is that I still love where I am... I just wish I could pull from some of the things that Green Pastures expressed and get the people here to see and learn from them too! We lack the joy and excitement in our worship time. It's so sad... we were singing "Break Free" the words involved DANCE and FREE... yet nearly everyone was still... and of course I thought back to GP... where we would be jumping and dancing and clapping and shouting... not just because the music was awesome... but because our GOD is AWESOME-- more awesome than anything else in our minds. Yet... when we here come to worship this AWESOME God... we stand still and sing. We close our eyes sometimes, sometimes think about the words... but we don't show it. I understand that not everyone is comfortable.. some people 'just worship this way'... i get it, I can be that way.... but in a song that clearly exhibits the joy involved with being saved by GOD.... no joy being shown from us.... it's just sad. However, I understand some reasons why the passion and the joy is stronger at GP. The main reason is that generally... people who are attending Huntington University were saved at a young age, or if not... they generally would agree that they haven't lived the "worst" of lives. We have a hard time recognizing that we too are sinners, just as bad as those who commit murder or some other big awful crime. The members of Green Pastures have typically lived lives surrounded and filled with really tough circumstances that have helped them to see how awesome our God is for saving them. Also the members see that every sin committed is still a terrible sin in the eyes of God and they live accordingly... that even if I only ever committed one simple sin... I'd still go to Hell without Jesus to save me!! We don't live that way here... we know God saved us.. but do we know HOW much we NEEDED the saving? NO. It's a major failure on the part of Judeo-Christians... and it's something that I hope to be a part of the change - I just don't know how. But... those are my thoughts for the night-- I need to go write a paper.

Live for HIS glory.

Don't Forget

Well I have officially entered back into the life of an undergrad college student... However this is my last semester as that person... with that as my identity. It has become apparent to me that though college life is often the time that most people my age search and "find" themselves the most-- I don't actually know if that's who I am.

I've realized that what actually shaped me and made me who I am was my PRIME experience... what I mean is that college definitely provided a learning environment for me to grown and define parts of my being- my personality, my passions and so on, but even as I look at the pictures I've put up on the wall I see that I was who I was the past three years because of the people around me. When I traveled to Northern Ireland, after having the past three years to begin to define me... I found that I was able to really become the person I'm meant to be, to be the person I want to be. College life caters to laziness. Real life- full time ministry- does not. I've found that I don't want to be this person who does or doesn't do things because she can get away with it... who procrastinates because she knows it'll get done when it needs to. I want to be the person who gets stuff done ahead of time because she can and wants to and who organizes things, but allows for changes in her schedule or in her plans and doesn't flip out about them. I want to be the person who makes room for anyone in need, but allows time to keep to herself and God- who takes care of herself in the necessary ways- but who also trusts that if she gives her all at any given time- HE will provide for her in every way. I want to live a life of balance... yet a life of fire for God.

I'm excited about the things God is bringing me to.. the doors He is opening before my eyes, and the trials and uproar that has come up against me as I try to follow HIM. I've been pushed down, beaten, torn, and numbed... but I haven't allowed that to take me off the course I feel led to. Let us not live our lives being torn from our call and that which may be in combat against that call... Let us not forget what God has called us to. Let us remember that if God has brought you to an open door, against all odds that seems perhaps impossible... maybe that is the exact door HE wants you to leap through...

so come on... leap with me.

you're everywhere.

Okay... so I've been asked multiple times to get a new post up here... sorry it's only getting up now!!

I've been back in America for over a month now... over a month!! That just seems so crazy! It's sad... already certain memories have to be drawn out of me, rather than them just being on the tip of my mind... I often find myself sitting and thinking about something from my time there, just trying to hold on to it longer. It definitely warms my heart when I think about my friends there, and it amazes me how close you can feel to someone in that short amount of time, when you are spending every day together. I miss those that I worked with so very much. This past month has been one of great joy and reuniting, Christmas, wedding, etc... but it has also been a month of great sadness and great loneliness. I learned while I was in Northern Ireland, though, how to walk with God in the depth of my loneliness, and that has brought great strength in this time. I'm heading back to Huntington (Uni) on Sunday after church... and I'm so excited about it because I'll be around people all the time again. I gotta admit however, that I'm pretty nervous about it. I've been used to spending my days alone and having great times of silence and solitude, things I've never really enjoyed before, and even when I thought I might I never wanted to take the time to enjoy them, and so this change will be hard, and challenging. But it will be so good.

It's funny... Every time I'm out in public- like in a walmart or even just driving somewhere... I always see someone I think I know, but then realize it can't be because you live in a different country! You're not anywhere near here! But I see you all the time, and no, I'm not just speaking to one person... I've 'seen' so many of you from Green Pastures/The Wash Basin it almost is freakin me out! haha not really, but it is mad how often I have to take second glances.

So, as I am moving back to HU I'm realizing more and more that things are coming up very quickly. Real life things. and it makes me wish I could just go back a few years when I had independence but still was at liberty to live fairly carefree. Instead I'm looking at headin into the "real world" and its a scary looking place. Its true I have options out the wazoo as far as what to do next.... but I don't really know what I want. I thought I knew what I wanted but it looks like thats not whats going to happen, nor is it the best option apparently. But even more than that, I feel like I know what the best option is, I just don't know if thats something I'll really want to be doing still in a few years... Grad School, I feel that is what I will end up doing- honestly- and the masters degree I'm looking at getting at the school I'm looking at going to will take 3 years. 3 years of working and getting a masters, 3 years with probably a minimal social life, 3 years of getting involved in ministry 'on the side' as opposed to getting right into 'full time' ministry... is that really I want? Well, I think it is actually, I think I just feel like I should want the more exciting options (which I do...) but I think there are other things that are potentially more important than "the exciting" options... I think if i follow this path, it will inevitably lead to more and more exciting options that I will know that I must take and will fall right into place as God designs... He's left me with a choice here, and while my decision has by no means been made yet, I think I know what the better option is at this point in time...

reverse culture shock?

Well, I've been home for nearly 2 weeks now... so i figured its time I update those of you who read this on how I'm doing! I have been really encouraged lately by discovering how many people actually have been reading my blogs, pretty cool.

So, I gotta be honest, it's been really hard readjusting to being home and not being at Green Pastures or the Wash Basin... it's weird driving again, it's weird not being idependent anymore, having to worry about gas (petrol) money and Christmas presents all while not having a job or any real savings in my grasp. It's weird to be going back to huntington and working on papers in the library and going to professors homes for a worship service. It's nice to see people and do those things, its not all a bad weird, some of it is a really good weird, a comforting thing, like reminding me of my roots.

I've decided I'm ready and excited to go where somewhere new and find my nitch there. It's hard for me to keep in mind that I can still do things and be on fire for God even here at home, it's hard becaus I grew up here, and when I'm here I still feel like a little kid, and its not just in my house, its in my church(es) which is hard because I love the two churches I belong to very much, but I've discovered my place isn't there anymore. So I'm ready to move on, but its just not possible yet, which is hard... basically I am having a hard time with where I'm at, but I am embracing the positives and trusting that the rest will follow through, because Jesus said "seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will fall into place" so that's what my plan is... to seek the Kingdom of God first. Living for His Glory.

the new adventure awaits.

So, I was trying to think of something profound from my trip home to be my title for this blog, saying something like "i'm home" was just to easy and would make reading the blog a little less exciting because you'd already know its about my being at home... haha so I decided to go with this thought of my new adventure awaits because it's been said to me a few times- in a couple different ways of course- in a letter from my dad before I left home he gave me the wise words of "don't think of it as going back home, think of it as starting the new adventure God has placed before you" and while I was trying really hard to look at it that way, it still felt hard to be leaving this last adventure I've been on because of the people that had become so so dear to my heart. Then when I was on the final plane from Washington D.C to Indy, the woman I was sitting beside and I had been talking about traveling and adventures. She used to live in Greece and she's traveled in different places all over the world and so I talked a little about Northern Ireland and how I was excited to go home and see my family, it was like I was being torn from a different family, she understood what I meant and it was nice to be able to talk a little with someone who has had some similar experiences. Well as the plane was nearing Indy and especially when it started its descent, it kind of really hit me that I wasn't in Northern Ireland any more and the tears just kind of flew from my eyes. When the plan was fully landed she looked back at me and said- "just think of all your new adventures awaiting you now... I'm jealous" So, that's my plan... new adventures await and are right in front of me. :)

*now for the actual blog post..* (written in Washington D.C)
December 1st, 2009
WoW. 6 months, over just like that. I can't believe I'm sitting in an airport again, on AMERICAN soil, waiting for my last flight home. The song "all this beauty" starts playin on my iPod, which is ironic because when I was waiting for my last flight from London to Belfast on June2nd, writing in my journal, this same song started playing and I was so excited to see all this beauty of this new place. Well its hard to agree with this song this time. I just left the most beautiful place I've ever known, including some of the greatest people... just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye. To be honest, I've cried a few times today (and this was written before the plane to Indy...) mainly on as the plane was getting closer to landing in D.C. because it was only starting to become real to me. You'd think going through customs and all the baggage stuff would help me realize I'm in America- nope. Instead it was a smell and a sign. As I was walking to my last gate, an old familiar smell almost made me sick (only because I'd been traveling), then to my surprise what do I see? A WENDY's!! Who'd have thought that seeing and smelling Wendy's fast food would strike the thought in me "Oh! I'm in America!" then I started hearing people around me talking- and they sounded funny, not at all like the people I've been around the past 6 months. And I'm sure none of you would be surprised to learn that my first purchase on American soil was at Starbucks :D

I'm trying to think of all the things that are different, well for one people walk on the right side of the paths to gates... and they look at you funny when you're on the left side. People are generally more private and keep to themselves, less willing to help someone having bag problems, as well as get annoyed if you're at all in their way, and blow off any offered apologies. But I'm going home, people at home aren't like that, there's something to be said about living in the light of the Lord, even if we don't always live out the Christian walk the way we should... there's something different about us, simply because we've allowed HIM into our hearts, and that is such a beautiful thing.

It's times like today- and probably many days in the future- that I am so so excited for eternity... when everyone I love the most will be in ONE place, the same place, and we will all be together once again- oh what a day that will be! :)

I'll stop there for now. Thank you to everyone in Northern Ireland, for taking me in, making me feel loved (and slaggin me) and for serving God the way you do. And thank you to everyone from Indiana, for sending me off with so much love and care, for holding me up in prayers, and for welcoming me back with open arms. We all serve a mighty God, lest we not forget His Awesomeness.

giving thanks, feeling loved, and embarking on a new adventure

Well... I'm super sorry its been nearly 2 weeks since I've last updated you on things... terrible me. Anyways :)

Well... its been a totally crazy past few days... I honestly don't even know what to sit down and write about... I just know I need to process through some things, so that I don't forget later.

So, I'm leaving in 3 days... yesterday was my last day of "work" and it was such a great great day! I was blessed, embarrassed and so many other things :) they tried to make me sing my national Anthem at youth... well lets just say I've been out of the country for too long because I couldn't remember all of the words... HA oops :-p But, it was a great blessing and encouragement. This home here I've fit right into is only this way because of the awesome power of God... see when you genuinely commit to God's will and give everything you can, of your time, resources or whatever, a great and beautiful thing grows out of it. I have truly learned that from this community. The outside culture is a dark and dangerous place... but there is a light reaching into the darkness, and that makes such a BIG difference. If I were to tell you all the ministries that flow out of this church, you might think it'd be a congregation of about 1000... it is a large church building, with something going on nearly every single night, there are 18 full-time staff, and several part-time staff as well, the typical size of our congregation... about 400. That is typically considered a smaller church back in the states, but what makes the difference here is the level of commitment from all the people here! There are many people that are involved in more than one facet of ministry, and thus are giving so much of their time to the church and through that, to the community around us. It's been amazing to see the lives of people change just in the time that I've been here! Our God is a good God who has great big plans for people.

Basically, my time here has been so amazing, i'm having a hard time leaving... it's like I'm leaving one home, a great home, to go to another awesome home. But something my dad wrote me in a letter really hit me yesterday... "don't think of it as coming back home, rather think of it as going into a new adventure God has for you" (that might not be a direct quote.. but that's basically what he said) and I thought... of course!! Change is just a way to experience new things with God, He's with us every step of the way and we are never ever alone, even if the whole world turns against us- or if it just seems that the whole world is against us- He Never Is, instead, He's Always With Us... Always.

As many of you know, Thanksgiving was this past week. I was bombarded with many questions as to what the meaning of Thanksgiving is, and I think i might have described it a little differently each time, but basically that it started as a celebration of the harvest, from the pilgrims and all (yay for elementary school lessons) and that its a time for families to gather and remember what we are thankful in this life, something further than the big things that we remember so much its almost fake... but for the little things especially, like the 5 minutes of Sunshine after 2 full days without seeing it, or the smell of coffee, the taste of chocolate, knowing you're loved by someone, the embrace of a friend, and so much more! I was reading something on Thursday that talked of looking for things to be grateful for even among the hardships of our lives. Like in a situation where someone has greatly hurt you... what good has come out of that? What things were you able to see and learn from the change of perspective... be thankful for that. I've learned that in my time here, I'm thankful that I got to learn complete satisfaction in our God- even though it was a really tough path, being here in this place is much better than anything else! And even though the actual Thanksgiving Day is over... we should not stop being thankful and remembering the things that we are thankful for, our God blesses us with amazing things each and every day, and it does us good to acknowledge these things :)

I'm sorry this is a long post... but it has been 2 weeks :D um, but yeah I think that's basically the most of what I wanted to say, I could definitely type so much more, but I'm going to refrain because i'm sure if this gets much longer no one will continue to read. Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me throughout my time here, and for those who have supported me in anyway, I am so grateful. Please continue to pray for safety as I travel home on Tuesday! (ahh) and as I try to readjust to being home and going back to Huntington. I owe it all to Him, and I will Live for His Glory